Look....Up In THe Sky...It's Me Vomiting Again! (UPDATE: Now with Super Pampers backstory)

Thanks Wired.com for making my spidersense tingle, and not in a good way.

Hat tip to our Stateofdisbelief for sending this around. Apparently Commander Pander, America's leading feminist and swell guy, will be gracing the covers of a number of super hero comic books over the next couple of months. Rather than go on about the incessant hero worship (I'm still kicking myself for not investing in robes and a set of Ginsu knives so that I could charge people an arm and a leg to sacrifice their organs on my burning alter on the National Mall this Tuesday), I've decided to examine Pampers as superhero.

If anyone has seen the film Unbreakable, or is a fan of comic books, then you know that there are certain guidelines under which superheroes must operate. The rules may have changed since I was a kid, reading my bunkmates' comic books at summer camp, but I'm going to assume things haven't changed much. First and foremost they must have superpowers. What would Darth Bambi's superpowers be....

• Mind control: Not unlike Aquaman, who could command random sea creatures with his mind, Super Pampers has the ability to get even the most genius intellectual types, like Gore Vidal, to suspend all rational thought and evidence, and declare that they have the power to elevate Super Pampers to the "Presidency and beyond!"

Preacher Cadence: Using his Zelig-like ability to become anyone, and imitate any accent, Super Pampers gives speeches similar in inflection to Martin Luther King, Jr. so you will believe he is sincere, and is actually engaged in a struggle for anything you might happen to care about (like women's rights for instance), despite the fact that the exact opposite is true.

Super Smile: Able to overcome even the most incredulous citizen. Even if you know the words coming out of his mouth are complete lies, when he follows it up with that winning smile and wink you're buying the Brooklyn Bridge, whether you can afford it or not.

Breath of Obfuscation: Using this power makes you forget that Super Pampers is a bigotedhomophobicmisogynistJewhater, because he didn't hear, see, or say anything untoward in the 20 years that he was not a member of the Trinity Church.

                              

Of course all superheroes must have a uniform. Super Pampers' uniform would be a fact deflecting teflon unitard, over which he would wear the mandatory Super Pampers (I'll leave it to Captain Underpants to sue the crap out him).



                                                



Every superhero must have a weakness, an element or force that robs him or her of their powers. Super Pampers is no different. There is only one force in the Universe capable of shutting down Super Pampers' powers: Fox News, wielded by his arch enemy (all superheroes must have an arch enemy) Super Sean Hannity, who regularly makes Super Pampers cry and whine like the little child he is, begging his friends to take Super Hannity on while Super Pampers retreats to his happy place.

All Super Heroes must have a lair, cave or fortress in which they regroup after being attacked by their arch enemy. Super Man has the Fortress of Solitude. Pampers has the Fortress of Rezkotude.
 
                                     

Of course there must also be supporting villains that either work in concert with the arch enemy, or on their own as it gets to be a little tedious seeing your hero fighting the same villain over and over. The Super Friends had the Legion of Doom. Super Pampers has: The Super PUMAS and their incessantly annoying truth beam.

And every superhero must have a backstory.

Super Pampers was born on the Planet Asshat where utter stupidity prevails. Rational thought is a crime. Critical thinking is punishable by death. The elders of Planet Asshat discovered a tiny speck of a blue planet called Earth, where there were still some people capable of thinking for themselves. They sent Super Pampers to lead the Planet Asshat invasion forces to Earth to eradicate the free thinkers. But soon after departure, the people of Planet Asshat destroyed themselves fighting over the last Hostess Dingdong. Super Pampers is eternally sad that he has no home to return to, and is filled with bitterness and weltschmerz that occasionally causes him to fall on the floor and pound his fists like an angry three year-old. Upon arrival, he found there were so few that still possessed the capacity to think independently that enslaving most of the population was relatively easy. Using his super powers to cause wetness (h/t to myiq) he consumed Tweety and Olberasshat's minds, turning them into sycophantic sex slaves willing to say and do anything in the hopes of seeing That One in the buff. Now "the future's uncertain and the end is always near."

Come to think of it...it seems that Super Pampers isn't a hero at all. A real superhero wouldn't use mind control, thoughtspeak, and bigotry to defeat his/her enemies would they? Say it isn't so Super Pampers! Say it isn't so!

And frankly, Pampers doesn't even seem like a superhero or villain. He's just a sad and tragic character like Tommy from the Who's rock opera; a guy who had reality driven from him by his family, who shut down to the point of not even knowing who, where, or what he was, and emerging as someone who believed they were worthy of being worshipped, whose supplicants followed him mindlessly until they realized he was just a fraud (sadly we have to wait until 20 January to see if that part of the story really kicks into high gear). In the end he just wanted someone to love him, and have the father he never knew. Exploited and an exploiter. The only difference is that, though it can be argued that Pampers is blind, deaf, and dumb, he is real, and is going to preside over the greatest screwing of the American people in our nation's history.

                                                                 

Barry...can you hear me? [Fear not; the parody is on its way]