It's the same in any lingo

בַּת-בָּבֶל, הַשְּׁדוּדָה: אַשְׁרֵי שֶׁיְשַׁלֶּם-לָךְ-- אֶת-גְּמוּלֵךְ, שֶׁגָּמַלְתּ לָנוּ
אַשְׁרֵי שֶׁיֹּאחֵז וְנִפֵּץ אֶת-עֹלָלַיִךְ-- אֶל-הַסָּלַע

How can one be compelled to accept slavery? I simply refuse to do the master's bidding. He may torture me, break my bones to atoms and even kill me. He will then have my dead body, not my obedience. Ultimately, therefore, it is I who am the victor and not he, for he has failed in getting me to do what he wanted done. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? If not now, when? ~ Rav Hillel, Pirke Avot

This Red Sea Pedestrian Stands against Judeophobes

This Red Sea Pedestrian Stands against Judeophobes
Wear It With Pride

17 January 2009

Meme Tag

My dear friend Nunly over at Bad Habit, a delightfully sinful blog, tagged me in a meme game.  Apparently there are rules that she didn't post, which is just as well because I wouldn't post them either.   Best I can tell is that you have to list 6 random things about yourself and then select other bloggers to tag.  Sounds simple enough.

So let's see...six random things about me...

1)  I am a misanthrope.  I hate people.  Okay, hate is a strong word.  I have an inherent, rabid dislike of people.  They are selfish, brutish, smell bad, and would most likely eat their own mothers if there was enough money involved.  The people running our countries are self important assfaced dingdongs who are the ones trying to get people to eat their own mothers in the first place.  And people, Americans especially, go bleating along like sheep, which is insulting to the sheep, whom I find to be generally kind, empathic creatures.  

Take it away Housemartins! (Dorks of the world unite!)

One need only go to a mall on Black Friday and witness parents beating each other over the head to get the last Diddle Me Elmo, or trampling a Wal-Mart worker to death to buy a flat screen TV to understand what I'm saying.

"How can you make such a blanket generalization Shtuey?"

That's simple.  If Ken Kesey was wrong about there always being more dumb people than smart people in any given situation, would the world be so unbelievably fucked up?

Ding ding!  Thank you for playing.

Of course my friends, colleagues, and associates do not fall into this category because I tend to not spend time with idiots.  It makes my brain hurt.  I'm not asking for anything difficult, just a healthy sense of empathy, morality, compassion, and a sense of humor.  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so.

The light on the horizon was the PUMAs.  After watching the RBC meeting on May 31, 2008 I honestly thought people were going to roll over and go back to watching Gilligan's Island reruns.  PUMA proved me wrong and has given me some hope that we can turn this thing around, or at least make our little corner not so completely fucked up.  

In spite of all this I am, paradoxically, a pretty social creature, and more often than not have been called the life of the party.  But I think this gets back to the fact that I have a keen ability to separate the wheat from the chaff.   No doubt I am someone else's chaff.  I learned a long time ago that no matter how nice you are, there's always gonna be someone who thinks you're a complete asshole.  It's when the latter outweighs the former that you start having problems.  I've been pretty lucky to have had a lot of people willing to deal with some of my bullshit over the years.  I can be a real cranky pants sometimes, and often forget other people's birthdays.  But I am largely forgiven.

In spite of my feelings about the human race.  Those of you bringing kids into this world, I applaud your optimism.  But when you get to have this around, it's really not a bad deal:

I still have hope (not the bullshit kind being sold by Camp Pamp) that we can turn this puppy around.  I think most people want to do the right thing, they are just so fucked in their day to day lives that they are too tired, or too dispirited to care.  I can't say that I blame them.  That's why, when I'm your President, we're going to start taking it easier, we're going to relax more, and learn to enjoy life.  It's a pretty fucking awesome deal, and it goes by too fast to waste it.

2)  I love Manhattan.  I get sucked in completely.  If I'm in my hotel room and I hear people on the street I can't stand it.  I have to get out in it until I'm so wasted and/or tired that I have to go home and pass out.  I was most notably afflicted by this a few months before 9/11.  I was in town for a wedding.  After the partying was over, and a mandatory trip to CBGB's to see a friend of a friend perform, I found myself in my hotel room wide awake.  After drunk calling a couple friends I hadn't spoken to in ages I wandered the streets to a local bar where I proceeded to consume martinis and write furiously on cocktail napkins and guest checks provided by the bartender.  He also provided me with free martinis.  As I left, random people started shaking my hand.  I suppose they wanted to be able to say they knew me before I was famous, when in reality they knew me before I went back to my hotel and vomited all over the floor.  I was still so wrecked the next day that I forgot to leave a ginormous tip in the room for my mess and assume that I have been blacklisted.  I would have sent a tip to the hotel for the crew, but being so distrustful of people I assumed that the proper parties would never receive it, so instead I just occasionally think about it and feel bad.  Having had to clean my share of vomit, bowel movements, and other bodily fluids and semi-solids as part of my job I think karma has definitely evened the score on that one.

But what I love most about New York is the food.  Second Avenue deli, I could stay there for days.  If they let me sleep there so I could just wake up and stuff my face I would and would never leave.  I am also a huge fan of Wo Hop's wonton soup: the soup that eats like a meal.  And can anyone say enough good things about the biali?  I don't think so.  You should eat bialis, whitefish salad, corned beef and pastrami sandwiches on rye with mustard, NEVER ON WHITE BREAD OR WITH MAYO.  It is written in the Talmud that every time someone eats deli on white bread with mayo somewhere a Jew dies.  Any guesses as to what Larry Johnson has for lunch tomorrow?

3)  I love M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water.  I thought it was a wonderful story, with brilliant characters, and an amazing ensemble of actors.  I think Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard are two of our finest actors in cinema (ignore her role in Spider Man please).  People called it self-indulgent.  I thought it was an incredibly human story.  If you haven't seen it, rent it.  I also loved The Village for the same reasons, just replace Paul Giamatti with Joaquin Phoenix, another fine actor who I've heard is retiring to start a career in music.  You'll come crawling back.

4)  I maxed out a Discover Card on cash advances to pay for Grateful Dead tickets.  They were stupid enough to send the card to a college student.  That's their problem.  I spent the money on other stuff, like food, but mostly tour.  I ended up seeing 50 shows over the years and a big chunk of this beautiful country of ours.  I drove cross country once, went to Vegas three times to see the boys.  The first time I went I helped dupe a hoard of about 500 stoned faux hippies into staring at the fountain at the Mirage waiting for it to erupt, though the last eruption of the day had already happened.  A drum circle formed.  That's about the time we snuck across the street for late night buffet and watched them wait.  They ended up having a good time.  No harm done.  Oh my valve!  I just realized that they might still be there.  If there is anyone in the greater Las Vegas area do me a favor; swing by the Mirage and tell them to go home already.

In the end I paid only a percentage of what I owed (it was still a lot of money).  I take no responsibility for the current credit mess.  This was more than 15 years ago man.   For the record, I would make the minimum payments almost regularly.  Let this be a cautionary tale that minimum card payment does not help and you will be fucked in the ass.  If you don't have it, don't spend it.  I learned this the hard way.  But also learned the valuable lesson that you can live without credit cards, and in many ways are better off without them.  Credit cards are the way of the devil.  But if the Grateful Dead taught me anything you can go to hell in a bucket, but at least enjoy the ride.  I regret nothing.  If I had to do it all over again I would have just done a Maddoff pyramid scheme to fund my touring...just kidding.  Geez, you're so fucking serious!

5)   I think women are the shit.  Physically, mentally, intellectually.  Sure they can make you crazy, but no more so than we guys make them.  It's all part of the package.  When I get hit on by men (it's been more than 10 years since that's friends say it's the facial hair...what do I know), I tell them that I love women so much that if I were a woman I'd be a raging lesbian.  They get that.  I think men are kinda gross.  We tend to be flabby around the edges, with dangly bits, and a tendency toward sloth.  Quite frankly I find it amazing that you ladies put up with us, consenting to share your lives with us in any capacity, but I'm eternally grateful that you do, because life would be horribly unbearable without you.

6) If you feed me raw broccoli and garlic my ass becomes a weapon of mass destruction.  Seriously, people leave the room.  The Geneva convention explicitly states that I am not permitted to eat raw broccoli and garlic together except for humanitarian purposes like hostage crises and such.  I have always said that if we ever capture Osama bin Laden they should feed me raw broccoli and garlic and lock me in a room with him.  I wonder if anyone could fix it so I could meet Pampers in the White House.  I could make him resign.'s that bad.

7) Bonus meme: I firmly believe that if you think Led Zeppelin is better than The Who you are mentally ill and should be in the care of a trained psychiatrist.  Let's face it, even with an original member dead, and being old enough to get a senior citizen discount at your local drugstore, The Who could still kick Zeppelin's ass to the curb:

Now I must select my bloggers to tag:


Anonymous said...

wtf drugs are you on?
I need some.

Shtuey said...

Anonymous; you gotta get past the drugs. They just open the door. You have to walk through it. Free you mind and your ass will follow.

Anonymous said...

i'll try that.

lililam said...

"I suppose they wanted to be able to say they knew me before I was famous, when in reality they knew me before I went back to my hotel and vomited all over the floor."
That's a good line, shtuey. I always feel that you would have preferred being born a few years earlier, so you could have been an original dead head, but you are one of those few cultural afficionados that maintain and maximize the possibilities of the tail end of an epoch (pun intended). You would flourish in any era- Hopefully you will usher in your own- the shtuey decade, with a return to animal worship, more efficient plumbing, and endless jams (and jellies, of course).

Shtuey said...

Yeah, it would have been nice to see the boys at the height of their powers: 71-77. Thank dog for taping.

A Shtuey decade? I suppose we could use it...but is America ready? ;)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Were you in or around Boulder Colorado in the 70's's .... hangin with a bunch of crazy mountain people ( ok hippies with leather pants ) that called themselves STP Family ??? Just curious ......... ;)

Shtuey said...

Sounds like fun Swan, but I was in suburban Philly going to elementary school.

dandee said...

i am hereby inviting you to an unauguration night distraction next week, at a lovely hotel setting and meet & greet w/dogs (yes, the canine leisure society is welcome!) will email you more info, and, ps - you're awesome!

petunia politik said...

seriously. when i saw your post, i knew we were all in for a ride. i think i'm too short to meet the height requirements so i refuse to get dizzier than i am. (ditzy is the more accurate term.) thanks for the noxious, gaseous report. i haven't eaten today, i no longer plan on it, and had i done so i was thinking chicken with BROCCOLI. never again!

now here's the part i must 'fess. maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm right, but i would have sworn to the g-ds of perimenopausal hell that you are gay. if this means i lose my spot on your blog, i will humbly back away from the screen. are you gay? lol. i think with rare exception i've formed a mental picture of most of my fellow puma males being so woman friendly because they like us in a "let's go buy makeup kinda way." you don't have to answer this in your forum, as it's no one biz, but your purge left me wondering.
oh cripes, i'm so embarrassed if i've embarrassed you, but i'll be damned if i'm deleting this.
as for paul giamatti, his face annoys me. nuf said. sorry.

music? you love the greats, i love the greats of a different genre.

to my friend JT who might be reading this, it just goes to show you, i know nothing!

another note: on my facebook profile i list myself as a misanthrope. i laughed when i read you having the same wonderful quality:)

down with people!

you're my blogger idol, S!
thanks for picking me, NOT!!!!!!!!

Cinie said...

Shtuey...ooooohhhh, you!

Okay, you asked for it!
Check later, okay?

Shtuey said...

Sorry Countess. I am totally un-gay. I attended a rather liberal and expensive college for a spell where i had to come out of the closet as a heterosexual meat eater.

No I don't love the ladies in a "let's go buy make up kinda way." On those kind of trips I'm sitting in the man chair with the other boyfriends and husbands at the department store or hangin' in the Brookstone in the massage chair getting robot shiatsu. No, I love the ladies in a "let's wear each other's naked asses as a hat kinda way."

That's not to say that's why I am a PUMA. Though I would love to see a pick up artist try to score in the PUMA den. I'd have 9-1-1 dialed up on the phone just in case ;)

Okay so I'm out of the closet at straight again.

As a young teenager I was very disappointed when my brother let his Sports Illustrated subscription lapse. The swimsuit issue was the only one I read (when you're a horny teenager objectification of women is sort of a pastime, you have to collectively forgive us).

For the record I am not into Siegfried and Roy, Liberace or Judy Garland. I do have an eye for interior decorating, but I think that's as close as I get. Let's see, are there any other gay guy cliches I can throw out here and piss off my gay friends with? Most of the women in my life, including my current girlfriend, universally say I'm a crappy dresser. In my defense there was a two year period when my style of dress was en vogue, luckily the "grunge look" passed out of fashion after Kurt Cobain blew his head off (see there's a silver lining to everything). Now I think it's just me and Neil Young.

Like I said, if I were a woman, then I'd be gay.

I hope I haven't lost my blogger hipness.

I'm not going to have my PUMA card revoked am I?

Okay, now I eagerly await the new meme tag contestants.

Dandee, let me know, sound like fun.

Mary Ellen said...

Shtuey, you have impressed me to no end. You covered humanity(or the lack of it), cute kids, puking, shitting, farting, a movie review and The Who, all in one post!'re a genius.

It's strange, because one of the other guys who I tagged wrote about farting, too. It must be a guy thing.

Shtuey said...

What can I say...we love bodily functions. Farts are always going to be funny. I'm lucky to have a sympathetic woman in my life, even so...she won't let me eat raw broccoli either. Though I really should try again because it's one of those cancer fighting foods. I wonder if there's a bunker somewhere...

petunia politik said...

ok, i posted earlier but somehow it didn't make it to the big screen.

S, you better not be offended by my question earlier! i'm on facebook where most of the male puma's are gay. i love most of them, they're so incredibly loyal. why i thought you are, i don't know...but dammit, i hope i haven't pissed you off. your gf must be laughing. my suga pie in memphis will read this and say, "hmmm" but hey, my assumption just makes me a fool.
(note to jt...he mentioned kurt cobain, that makes him cool, n'est pas?)

ok shtuey, i don't know how to tag another blogger and post it so that it links to them. any tech advice for the lame? i have so much soul baring to you in my meme, but i prolly won't tell the hardcore stuff:)

petunia politik said...

to *tell* you


jeez, i'm all fachoted now!