It's the same in any lingo

בַּת-בָּבֶל, הַשְּׁדוּדָה: אַשְׁרֵי שֶׁיְשַׁלֶּם-לָךְ-- אֶת-גְּמוּלֵךְ, שֶׁגָּמַלְתּ לָנוּ
אַשְׁרֵי שֶׁיֹּאחֵז וְנִפֵּץ אֶת-עֹלָלַיִךְ-- אֶל-הַסָּלַע

How can one be compelled to accept slavery? I simply refuse to do the master's bidding. He may torture me, break my bones to atoms and even kill me. He will then have my dead body, not my obedience. Ultimately, therefore, it is I who am the victor and not he, for he has failed in getting me to do what he wanted done. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? If not now, when? ~ Rav Hillel, Pirke Avot

This Red Sea Pedestrian Stands against Judeophobes

This Red Sea Pedestrian Stands against Judeophobes
Wear It With Pride

16 January 2009

Look....Up In THe Sky...It's Me Vomiting Again! (UPDATE: Now with Super Pampers backstory)

Thanks for making my spider sense tingle, and not in a good way.
Thanks for making my spidersense tingle, and not in a good way.

Hat tip to our Stateofdisbelief for sending this around. Apparently Commander Pander, America's leading feminist and swell guy, will be gracing the covers of a number of super hero comic books over the next couple of months. Rather than go on about the incessant hero worship (I'm still kicking myself for not investing in robes and a set of Ginsu knives so that I could charge people an arm and a leg to sacrifice their organs on my burning alter on the National Mall this Tuesday), I've decided to examine Pampers as superhero.

If anyone has seen the film Unbreakable, or is a fan of comic books, then you know that there are certain guidelines under which superheroes must operate. The rules may have changed since I was a kid, reading my bunkmates' comic books at summer camp, but I'm going to assume things haven't changed much. First and foremost they must have superpowers. What would Darth Bambi's superpowers be....

  • Mind control: Not unlike Aquaman, who could command random sea creatures with his mind, Super Pampers has the ability to get even the most genius intellectual types, like Gore Vidal, to suspend all rational thought and evidence, and declare that they have the power to elevate Super Pampers to the "Presidency and beyond!"

  • Preacher Cadence: Using his Zelig-like ability to become anyone, and imitate any accent, Super Pampers gives speeches similar in inflection to Martin Luther King, Jr. so you will believe he is sincere, and is actually engaged in a struggle for anything you might happen to care about (like women's rights for instance), despite the fact that the exact opposite is true.

  • Super Smile: Able to overcome even the most incredulous citizen. Even if you know the words coming out of his mouth are complete lies, when he follows it up with that winning smile and wink you're buying the Brooklyn Bridge, whether you can afford it or not.

  • Breath of Obfuscation: Using this power makes you forget that Super Pampers is a bigotedhomophobicmisogynistJewhater, because he didn't hear, see, or say anything untoward in the 20 years that he was not a member of the Trinity Church.

  •                               Image executed by Demnomore/concept by Shtuey

    Of course all superheroes must have a uniform. Super Pampers' uniform would be a fact deflecting teflon unitard, over which he would wear the mandatory Super Pampers (I'll leave it to Captain Underpants to sue the crap out him).

                                                    Designed by Camille at bitterpolitcz/executed by demnomore

    Every superhero must have a weakness, an element or force that robs him or her of their powers. Super Pampers is no different. There is only one force in the Universe capable of shutting down Super Pampers' powers: Fox News, wielded by his arch enemy (all superheroes must have an arch enemy) Super Sean Hannity, who regularly makes Super Pampers cry and whine like the little child he is, begging his friends to take Super Hannity on while Super Pampers retreats to his happy place.

    All Super Heroes must have a lair, cave or fortress in which they regroup after being attacked by their arch enemy. Super Man has the Fortress of Solitude. Pampers has the Fortress of Rezkotude.

    Of course there must also be supporting villains that either work in concert with the arch enemy, or on their own as it gets to be a little tedious seeing your hero fighting the same villain over and over. The Super Friends had the Legion of Doom. Super Pampers has: The Super PUMAS and their incessantly annoying truth beam.

    And every superhero must have a backstory.

    Super Pampers was born on the Planet Asshat where utter stupidity prevails. Rational thought is a crime. Critical thinking is punishable by death. The elders of Planet Asshat discovered a tiny speck of a blue planet called Earth, where there were still some people capable of thinking for themselves. They sent Super Pampers to lead the Planet Asshat invasion forces to Earth to eradicate the free thinkers. But soon after departure, the people of Planet Asshat destroyed themselves fighting over the last Hostess Dingdong. Super Pampers is eternally sad that he has no home to return to, and is filled with bitterness and weltschmerz that occasionally causes him to fall on the floor and pound his fists like an angry three year-old. Upon arrival, he found there were so few that still possessed the capacity to think independently that enslaving most of the population was relatively easy. Using his super powers to cause wetness (h/t to myiq) he consumed Tweety and Olberasshat's minds, turning them into sycophantic sex slaves willing to say and do anything in the hopes of seeing That One in the buff. Now "the future's uncertain and the end is always near."

    Come to think of seems that Super Pampers isn't a hero at all. A real superhero wouldn't use mind control, thoughtspeak, and bigotry to defeat his/her enemies would they? Say it isn't so Super Pampers! Say it isn't so!

    And frankly, Pampers doesn't even seem like a superhero or villain. He's just a sad and tragic character like Tommy from the Who's rock opera; a guy who had reality driven from him by his family, who shut down to the point of not even knowing who, where, or what he was, and emerging as someone who believed they were worthy of being worshipped, whose supplicants followed him mindlessly until they realized he was just a fraud (sadly we have to wait until 20 January to see if that part of the story really kicks into high gear). In the end he just wanted someone to love him, and have the father he never knew. Exploited and an exploiter. The only difference is that, though it can be argued that Pampers is blind, deaf, and dumb, he is real, and is going to preside over the greatest screwing of the American people in our nation's history.


    Barry...can you hear me? [Fear not; the parody is on its way]


    Infidel753 said...

    Mind control: Have you ever read Asimov's Foundation trilogy? The character Obama most reminds me of, more than any superhero, is "the Mule".

    Think about it. This guy comes out of nowhere, rises to the top with amazing speed on the basis of nothing anyone can pin down, has an almost supernatural ability to "convert" people to a state of abject, cultlike loyalty.....

    Logistics Monster said...

    we don't choose them, they are chosen for us. We only get to vote between dumb and dumber. It was a bonus that this guy could talk.

    petunia politik said...

    We DO choose them. Though the Resident Select was handed to us on a tarnished silver platter, if it were not for the ignorance of the populace and the corruption of the media, the CHOSEN ONE wouldn't have made it past Wrigley Field.

    Great graphic, brilliant comedy/tragedy, as always Shtuey.
    Due to the mind shitting of our youth, I am now calling our beautiful country, "Teenage Wasteland."
    Last night I met our Queen, and I whispered two very private things to her. We hugged, I cried, she teared up and held me for a moment. Don't think for one second that she doesn't appreciate ALL of us (pumas).

    Mary Ellen said...

    LOL! Captain Underpants....perfect!

    I agree with Infidel, the mind control isn't that far fetched. Obama is not the stupid dupe that Bush was. He actually believes he is the leader of the world and wants a new world order.

    I may get in trouble with what I am about to say and I hope I am not pegged a homophobe for saying it. But, I believe that Obama's jump to get rid of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" in the military has nothing to do with his respect for the gay community, but everything to do with having more warm bodies that he can draft into his new military. I realize that a lot of men and women who are gay want to serve their country in the military, and I agree that they should be able to do that. But I can't help but wonder if they won't be sorry they pushed for it when Obama and the Democrats bring back the draft. Think about how many times that Obama emphasized that NO ONE, not even women or gays should be exempt. They may wish they still were by the time Obama leaves office.

    Please forgive me if I worded that badly. I don't mean to offend anyone. I'm no more a homophobe than I am an atheist. ;-)

    Ooops...did I just offend atheists? Shit. Sorry, that wasn't my intention, either.

    I'll go now....

    Oh! I forgot, I tagged you for a meme over at Bad Habit. Don't feel like you have to do it, I won't be hurt if you don't. ;-)

    Anonymous said...

    I just hope superman doesn't fall flat on his ass.

    Shtuey said...

    M.E. on the contrary, it's obvious that you speak from a place of concern for gays. We are all just canon fodder for That One in his quest to rid the world of free thinking.

    He should only fly back to his homeworld, and take his insipid followers with him.

    Shtuey said...

    Petunia, I'm so glad you got to speak with her. She really is something else. I got to meet her at a fundraiser I worked. She was so tired, and only let the volunteers see it, knowing that we were only sleeping 2-3 hours a night too. Then she got up in front of all the money people and was fresh as a daisy.

    The only comfort in all this is knowing that she'll be in the big chair at Foggy Bottom. I think this was a smart move. She has a bigger stage now, and if Pampers tries to shut her out we'll be there to back her up.

    Ron said...

    "She has a bigger stage now, and if Pampers tries to shut her out we'll be there to back her up."

    Yep, that works for me. Obama has a chance for a fresh start down what we hope is the right track. If he goes down the wrong track and caves in to what the jihadists want, we're screwed.

    Slightly off topic: DC is going to be hell on Tuesday due to all the closed bridges, roads, and subway stops. It's also going to be mostly cloudy and cold with temps at noon 32° or less. IOW, Obama's inauguration is going to be a cold day in hell. ;)

    navyvet48 said...

    We DO choose them. Though the Resident Select was handed to us on a tarnished silver platter, if it were not for the ignorance of the populace and the corruption of the media, the CHOSEN ONE wouldn't have made it past Wrigley Field.

    OOH! I love to call him the resident evil select...

    As for Don't Ask/Don't Tell, the O will never replace the numbers that will leave the military if this is repealed. If this is repealed it will make it more difficult for gays in the military. The berthing areas are such small areas that i believe serious bodily harm could come to openly gay people and then it will be Don't Ask/Don't Tell for homophobes. I know how the military thinks...and they think and react like a pack of wolves or dogs do. They will see gays as the enemy!

    You are correct if The O does this it isn't because he likes gays because I don't think he likes anyone but himself. Don't you just love the letter he posted to his daughters in the Parade magazine....WTF? I would never open my children up to that bullshit rhetoric.

    Just to be sure my friend...I love the gay community...after all Sam is the love of my lesbian daughter! My comments are the truth about the military. Their sort of mind control never leaves....

    Saturday before last I joined the community in Wichita to protest Prop * and will join them again bringing more people with me. It was fun! (Did I tell you it was 20 degress that day?)

    navyvet48 said...

    By the way I forgot good to see the pampers again! It made me lol and smile...

    truthisgold said...

    By saying "choose", it is like choosing between cancer and polio. Yes, there is technically a "choice" but neither is acceptable.

    As far as trilogies go, read Wm. Faulkner's the Snopes Trilogy [The Hamlet, The Town, The Mansion] for definition, and it has nothing to do with snopes dot com.