A Red Sea Pedestrian's Christmas Appeal

Black Friday is over. Did you join in the Red Hour? Did you mangle anyone for the last "Club Me Dead Elmo?" (I will be bashing that little red usurper any chance I get; Grover was doing just fine all by himself thank you very much). 

As a Jew I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. As a kid in public school we had a tree in every classroom that we would decorate (I actually became a pretty decent tree trimmer as a result, much to the amazement of my goyishe friends). Every year our elementary school principal would dress up as Santa. We would all have to stand in line to sit on his lap and tell him what we wanted for Christmas, and every year I would tell him, "I'm Jewish, I don't celebrate Christmas." That was until 6th grade when, in my new found cynacism and chutzpah, I told him, "What I want for Christmas is my public school principal to stop dressing as Santa and making us all sit on his lap."

I loved the lights. We had a particularly rockin' display down the road from our house that we would drive to and look at every year, along with a lot of other people. I loved going to friends' houses, the smell of pine, the consumption of eggnog, and of course the 10 days off.

There were certain things that baffled me though. When we would sing Silent Night I had no idea what the Holy Infantso or the Roundyonvirgin were. I also felt kinda bad for my Christian friends. As a kid in Hebrew school we were taught that God was everywhere and knew all you were doing, which I was fine with as long as God wasn't going to tell my parents about it. But Christians, well...I thought they were thrice screwed. Not only did they have God watching them, but Jesus and Santa as well.

We'd sing, "He sees you when you're sleeping/he knows when you're awake/he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake." Between all that, and the threat of going to Hell, that's a lot of pressure. Of course, I grew up with a Jewish mother so who am I to talk?

As a kid Christmas was a cool time of year. After Thanksgiving the lights would go up, the Kiddie-City and Sears catalogues had already been in the house, fueling my dreams for the 8 nights of Chanukah. But now I have a problem with Christmas.

It's not the peace on earth good will toward everybody stuff I have a problem with, it's the marketing. Why does Hallmark have to kick off the Christmas shopping season a week before Labor Day with the unveiling of their new ornament? Why? Why is the mall down the road putting the giant fake tree up before Halloween? WHY? Why, long before Thanksgiving, are the stores playing Christmas music? WHY WHY WHY???

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

We had a social contract. No Christmas anything until Black Friday. It starts earlier and earlier which is, quite frankly, ruining the Christmas season for me. On the local news they showed people camped out, starting at 7:00 AM on Thanksgiving to get into Best Buy. And then there are the songs. Christmas has some great songs, some even written by Jews, like "White Christmas." But after 2-3 months of buildup, and the ominpresence of Christmas music everywhere I go, if I hear "White Christmas" one more time somone's chestnuts are going to be roasting on an open fire. It's overkill.

It's like my mother around Passover. Every year my mom, more than a week before the holiday begins, starts getting the house ready; washing the kitchen down, moving the Passover dishes upstairs (all bread and related products must be removed from the home before the holiday starts under Jewish law), etc. Every year I ask her the same question: Why is it that in order to celebrate a holiday that marks the hasty departure of the Israelites from Egypt, so hasty that there was no time to let the bread rise which is why we have to eat matza for 8 days (which, if you don't have stewed fruit on hand, will block your kishkes like the Hoover Dam), do you start getting ready for the holiday nearly two weeks before?!? That's crazy talk.

So I have a request. Whatever consortium that's out there controlling the worldwide phenomenon known as Christmas, can we please return to the way things used to be? The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is all yours. Go nuts. But August? That's ridiculous. And about the lights. A lot of work goes into some of those displays, and I really like them. Do me a favor. It still gets dark early all winter. Leave the lights up. At least until the daylight is sticking around a little longer. It's nice.

And one more thing. It is a sacred Jewish tradition that on Christmas Day, while everyone is home trolling the ancient Yuletide carol, that we go out for Chinese food and movies. Over the last 5 years or so I have seen an increasing tendency for non-Jews to be partaking of this ancient Hebrew tradition that goes at least as far back as the release of the original Jazz Singer. Please, just give us this one day to not have to wait for a table, or in line for movie tickets. That's not asking too much is it?

There is one thing that hasn't changed in all these years. It's the hush of Christmas eve. It's like the entire world takes a breath. I like to walk the streets of my town and take in the quiet, look at the lights, and if we're lucky, enjoy the snow falling. I have also been known to run down the streets yelling, "Merry Christmas Bedford Falls!" in the middle of the night at the top of my lungs, but it's been a long time since I've done that.

So enjoy the season, don't make yourself crazy, and remember that family is what you make it. So if yours makes you crazy, pick up a pair of those Bose noise cancelling headphones. I hear they're awesome!