Oh my Valve!

It's been so long since I've written that there's no possible way I can catch up so I'll just try and shoot my mouth off about whatever I can remember.

Let's start with Paris Hilton. Now normally I wouldn't devote two seconds to this brainless whore but I have to say that nothing was more priceless than sitting in a bagel shop in Chappaqua this past weekend (no sign of the HillBill Show) to see the Daily News headline: "I WANT MY MOMMY!" with Paris blubbering on the cover. Classic DN. Why is America so outraged that this privileged waste of my air and natural resources got coddled by the legal system? Is it some new phenomenon that the rich get legal breaks and the poor get screwed, or was I high on acid the day OJ was found not guilty? Though to be honest I would have voted not guilty had I been on that jury. I personally feel that you can't convict a man based on tainted crime scenes and evidence. Good police work there Mark Furman.

I guess the world can only hope that Paris is gang raped on a webcam for us all to download. Which might actually bring about Howard Stern's suicide. What would he and bababooey have to live for after that?

But I have to admit that I'm glad the crackwhore is back in the slammer. Now if we can just find a way to keep her there.

Moving on...

Let's talk Gaza. I just read today that there is a new hobby among the terrorists: throwing each other off tall buildings. Apparently Hamas grabbed a Fatah guy and threw him off a building. Then Fatah went to a Hamas preacher's house, blasted it with rocket propelled grenades, burst into the building...the body turned up later at a hospital. Whether it walked or was flung I don't know. I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Palestinians for bringing out the more bloody side of democracy. Nothing screams franchise more than tossing the opposition off a building. I wonder if democrats and republicans will start doing that.

It's really a sad state of affairs in Gaza. Used to be that all the factions could always get together to kill Jews and try and wipe Israel off the map. I guess that this has become such a lucrative business, what with the world bank pumping money in there like butt cream on a baby, that now these idiots figure they oughta kill each other to see who gets to make the money off killing Jews and trying to wipe Israel off the map. Hey guys, do yourselves a favor. Just kick back and relax. The Olmert, Peretz, Livni Show will do it for you.

Oh and there was the foiled kidnapping attempt this past week. Arabs crossed the Israeli border (hey Zahal what the hell is going on with you DIBs anyway?) but were thwarted. I think one of the shlubs was quoted as saying, "It would have worked too if it hadn't been for those meddling helicopter gunships."

Let's see...what else? Oh yeah, the Shrub embarrassed us once again by going to the G8 summit. Why can't that asshole just stay in Crawford? I can't talk about how stupid he is anymore. It hurts too much. But I have to say that it's priceless when he says that the Democrats are just "playing politics" by bringing a vote of no confidence against Speedy Gonzales. He actually thinks that no one has actually come out and said that he's done something wrong (of course you would think that Shrub...hey why does your head smell like your ass?), so this whole no confidence thing is just a stunt. Oh and we're staying the course in Iraq 'cause that's finally starting to pay off. At least for the contractors who manufacture caskets for the US military. that wouldn't be Halliburton would it?

Let's see, what else has been pissing me off lately? I guess those are the biggies. Oh wait...the Australians are pissing me off. Why? Because the Prime Minister and other bigwigs are hemming and hawing over whether or not they should meet with the Dalai Lama. Apparently the Chinese gov't gets really pissed at governments that meet him. The Aussies are apparently afraid that China will take it's lopsided trade ball and go home. I've got news for you Australian douches, and the rest of you shithead loser governments out there. If China wants to cut trade with every country that meets the Dalai Lama then maybe they'd end up trading with no one and would actually have an incentive to grant Tibet autonomous status as a part of greater China which is all the Dalai Lama says he wants. Oh, but wait...that would mean the free world would have to stand up to the Chinese against greed in the name of freedom and peace. Shit, even Google won't do that. Sorry Tibet looks like the governments of the world are going to continue to let the Chinese rape you in the butt until your language, culture and history are washed away forever. Politicians suck ass.

That's all for now I guess. i feel much better. How 'bout you?