The plot thickens. The evil Clintons, and their minions, are poised once again to wreak havoc upon the unsuspecting populace; cracking their heads open and feasting on their protein rich brain matter in their conquest for absolute dominance of planet earth!!!!!! Is there no one who can stop them??????
Look there! What is that yonder beacon shattering the darkness as if it was wielded by the gods of Olympus themselves? It is our savior, our liberator, the enlivener of all our dreams...Barack Obama?
Yes...Barack Obama! Using his magical power of perfectionation he is able to destroy the Clinton oppressors and save us from all the evils of the world. With his incredible cliche ray he can enslave your mind and appear as anyone in American history (specializing in JFK RFK MLK KGB Ghandi & Thomas Jefferson). Not since Ronald Reagan have the American people been so mesmerized so mind numbingly well as they are by The Obamanator...Obama Man--and his legion of Obamamites. Speeding through the very fabric of the time/space continuum; hangin' ten from the golden lights that radiate from his all powerful cranium-- his naive minions, still high from their first year of beer bongs at college chant YES IS YES YES IS YES!!! and enlist their unwitting parents with stories of remember the greatest President of all time, JFK? Well he's back...but now he's black!
The magical legions of fairy dust simply cannot allow the people of Michigan and Florida have their say....because that would be breaking the sacrosanct rules of the Democratic Party (and because...OBAMA LOST).
That's right butt wipes...these idiots who call themselves upright Americans with their lapel pins, or not wearing their lapel pins because I'm not gonna do it because my heart explodes like a cannon for America so I don't need to wear a lapel pin so there! decided that the delegates from those states would be stripped because Florida and Michigan moved up the dates of their primaries. You do realize that the people who have the most influence over our choices for who is going to be the next President of the United States are behaving developmentally appropriate for someone who is.............4 years old! You changed the date and broke the rules now you can't play and have to sit in the corner! Are you fucking kidding me?
Then the candidates pledged their word bond that they to would agree to deny the citizens of Michigan and Florida their franchise.
BUT IT WAS NOT SO ASSHOLES!!!
The people were undaunted, and set out to show their leaders that they want their votes to count; that they will not be denied and lied to again. In Florida, they turned out in record numbers to vote, knowing full well that their delegates were not going to count.
Obama supporters were egging each other on to vote "Present" in Michigan in an attempt to get more votes for "Present" than for Hillary Clinton. But Hillary kicked ass in Michigan and slew her foes with the a flaming iron hand that we sexily call the Sweet Mother of Justice.
And she reigned supreme in Florida where Obama Man was obliterated off the face of the earth by Jewish retirees in support hose on their way to the early bird special.
Now the Clintons say the delegates must be seated!
Obama cries FOUL YOU HARLOT!!! Thou hast pledged on tablets of stone by your own blood that the people of Michigan and Florida would be denied their voice!!!
I know....BUT I WON THOSE STATES!!!!
But wait, who is that lanky gentleman shredding the webs of oxymorons why it's...Thomas Jefferson!!!
YES IT IS I THOMAS JEFFERSON, AND I HAVE COME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE ALL WRONG!!! YOU'VE FUCKED EVERYTHING UP YOU DUMMIES!!! YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY PEOPLE'S VOTES BECAUSE OF YOUR MESHUGINA RULES!!!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...ADAMS WAS RIGHT...THE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!!!
Tonight the Cheese Heads will go to the polls and vote. Hillary, I hope you can pull it out. Otherwise we might see Chris Matthews cream himself on live television and, quite frankly, I don't want see that.
Will the delegates be seated? Will Obama Man destroy the Clintons forever with his duplicitous death ray? Will Hillary be the new Comeback Kid? Or will they eat each other's brains, leaving the nomination to a Kapuchin Monkey? For answers to these burning questions and more stay tuned to Grizzly Election Puss Theater!